Chapter 88

I let my hand drop powerlessly. But my heart ached more than my hand, which was starting to swell and turn red. Nine glared at me with eyes as fierce as when he had first sought me out, offering to take responsibility.

“…To think we married because of an aphrodisiac.”

He uttered only those words with a look of disgust, then turned his back and left. His chilling remark left me utterly unable to hold him back or offer an excuse. My heart urged me to grab the hem of his clothes and tell him it wasn’t true, that the issue had already been explained and resolved. Yet, the anxiety hidden in a corner of my mind raised its head and warned me.

‘Will the current him believe those words as he did before? When he doesn’t love you?’

The voice, whispering like a demon, continued to frighten me.

‘Unlike then, there are no witnesses or evidence now, are there? What good would it do to stop him and offer an excuse now?’

A sudden fear swept over me at the worst-case scenario the voice outlined. The image of him—memory-less and distrustful—pushing my hand away was vivid in my mind. If I were to hold onto the departing Nine now and be rejected by him again, my heart felt like it would completely shatter. To a degree where I couldn’t try again as I was now. To a degree where I couldn’t stand up again and wait for Nine’s memory to return…

Blood trickled from my clenched hand. I didn’t even feel the pain of my fingernails digging into my palm.

“…”

Everyone who witnessed our cold, murderous atmosphere remained frozen and silent. However, at Van’s gesture, the servants carefully tended to Iris and Adele, and the knights began to remove the bodies.

“…Lady Chacha. I will escort you to your room.”

It was Annie and Van who took care of me, standing as rigid as a statue in that spot. They couldn’t bring themselves to say anything to me and merely supported my staggering body, leading me to my room.

***

After failing to hold onto Nine, I couldn’t recall what had happened. When I regained consciousness, I was already sitting blankly on my bed.

‘When did I get here?’

It was as if I had blacked out; I couldn’t remember. Bandages were wrapped around my hand, suggesting someone had treated it, and my clothes had been changed from the blood-splattered dress to a nightgown.

‘…’

When I arrived in the room, when I was treated, and when my clothes were changed. Nothing came to mind, and nothing felt important. It felt as if I couldn’t feel anything. Not the plush bed, nor the soft blanket, nor the cold stone floor of the North that should have been cold against my bare feet. I couldn’t even feel the tears streaming down my face.

It was only when I stared at the spreading damp patch on my skirt that I realized I was crying. The tears that continuously flowed, even when I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand, only spread like the wound in my heart. But remembering the last sight of Nine, this relentless sorrow felt like it would never end. The image of Nine walking away, looking at me with eyes filled with disgust and contempt, kept playing in my mind.

Realizing I was only recalling that image, I immediately felt regret. Did I regret loving Nine? No.

‘I should have paid more attention at the times when Nine said he loved me.’

I should have paid closer attention to the time, the touch, every word, and every glance from when he said he loved me.

‘I should have fully and wholeheartedly savored his love with all my heart and body.’

I had thought that we had a lot of time ahead of us. I regretted not doing so because I didn’t know that the love I believed would naturally continue to be directed at me would disappear.

‘I should have been grateful that our hearts were the same and should have told him I loved him more, without being embarrassed.’

With tears that wouldn’t stop no matter how much I wiped them away, I just slipped under the covers and buried my face in the pillow. Everything felt exhausting and tiring.

***

The very next day, Nine called several people to re-inquire about the aphrodisiac incident and investigate my reputation. Several people came to inform me of this starting in the morning, but I simply acknowledged them and sent them away.

‘What difference does it make what I do?’

Whatever Nine had heard, there was nothing I could do, and I didn’t want to do anything. Everyone seemed frustrated that I was just sitting still and not even attempting a self-defense, but they only asked if I was alright when they met me.

“Chacha, are you okay?”

“Are you alright, Lady?”

Adel and Roana also came and asked the same.

‘What did I answer?’

I couldn’t quite remember, but I think they left after setting down my favorite snacks without even drinking tea. Van, Annie, and the other servants also seemed particularly mindful of me and offered various considerations.

“Lady Chacha, this is from Lady Kate.”

Even Kate, who rarely left her room, sent a letter asking if I was alright. Seeing her letter for the first time, I thought that the wall in my heart had considerably broken down, and her condition must have improved lately, but that was all. I received much consideration and worry, but strangely, I felt no emotion. I vaguely remembered answering mechanically, “I’m fine,” to all questions.

I left Annie and walked alone toward the greenhouse. Annie strongly opposed me going alone, especially after last night’s attack, but it wasn’t difficult to persuade her. The security had been tightened because of the attack. Even if it hadn’t been, two knights were following me, keeping themselves concealed.

‘Is it surveillance or escort?’

I thought quietly as I listened to the footsteps following behind me.

‘It might be both.’

It felt very strange, recalling the days when Norman used to supervise me.

When I arrived in front of the greenhouse, I said to the two people following me:

“I will go into the greenhouse alone; please wait here.”

The knights, having received orders, looked at each other with somewhat troubled expressions but eventually answered me.

“Understood. Please call us if anything happens.”

It was a more compliant agreement than I expected. Looking at their expressions, it seemed the knights also understood the situation and were being considerate of me.

I quietly nodded and entered the greenhouse. Only the soft sound of my small footsteps echoed in the silent greenhouse.

Having walked to the back of the greenhouse, I leaned against the Caetlia tree standing tall in the center. Sitting with my knees pulled up, looking at the colorful flowers and green leaves, the image of the greenhouse made for me came to mind. The newly built greenhouse at the townhouse in the capital. The proof of love he had given me. The pink flowers filling the inside and the cherry blossom tree that hadn’t bloomed yet floated vaguely, like a dream.

If that greenhouse were close by, and I could surrender myself to it now, would things have been a little different?

But in any case, the reality was that the greenhouse was out of my reach. Just as Nine’s love, which I once had, was no longer with me.

“…I wanted to go see it again later.”

I wanted to see his love beneath the fully bloomed cherry blossom tree, amidst the scattering petals, among the pink flowers. That was now an impossible future for me.

“Let’s leave.”

This was the conclusion I had found during the sleepless night before, amidst the confusion, the unorganized emotions, and the unknowable future. I had decided to leave Nine.

‘I’m exhausted.’

The world keeps giving me hope only to take it away, as if saying, ‘Are you still going to stray from your role?’ I am tired of clinging to futile hope now.

I decided to surrender.

‘Thinking about it now, it was so obvious.’

How could a mere extra defeat fate? I didn’t have the confidence to keep overcoming the battle with fate, which had no end in sight.

I closed my eyes and mentally listed the things I needed to do before leaving, one by one.

‘Write up the documents for the transfer of Duchess duties, and write letters to Adel and Lady Kate. Let’s prepare the divorce papers in advance so Nine only needs to sign and submit them. I’ll dispose of most of my belongings that were bought with Eclipse funds. What else was there…’

After roughly organizing everything in my mind, I spoke inwardly to the being whose existence I couldn’t even confirm.

‘God, you win.’

I will distance myself from the original story, so please just leave me alone now.

It was my first and last wish.