Episode 36

Episode 36. It Was the First Time

Darkness swallowed everything before me; my consciousness sank like a heavy stone into a murky swamp. I drifted in that hazy boundary between dreams and reality, wanting to open my eyes but unable to. My whole body felt frozen, as if even one of my fingers wouldn’t be able to move.

How did it come to this?

Ah, that’s right.

I remember collapsing during the trial.

Someone must have laid me on a bed; I could feel warm blankets wrapped around me. I wondered how the trial had ended. What sort of expressions were on the faces of those who slandered me now?

The maids… I hope they weren’t too frightened.

I was sure Cedric had anticipated something like this and stayed calm, but the others wouldn’t have known at all. Perhaps I should have given at least Countess Chloe a hint.

As these thoughts crowded in, another memory flickered to life: the moment just before I lost consciousness. My mind had been hazy, but I was sure I’d seen Jerome’s shocked expression.

I couldn’t help finding that amusing. If I’d been able to move, I would have been grinning from ear to ear. When would I ever get to see that cold, unflinching man look so rattled again? It felt like a wasted opportunity not to have memorized it better.

Just then, I heard low voices.

“Her Majesty the Empress… still hasn’t woken, has she?”

“No, not yet.”

Their hushed words reached my ears clearly, despite my drifting awareness.

“I can’t stand seeing Her Majesty like this… If only I’d been of more help…”

Mary. I recognized her trembling voice.

No, Mary. Don’t cry.

I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but my body refused to obey.

“Don’t cry, Lady Mary,” Chloe’s gentle tone joined in. “You did everything you could.”

The other maids murmured agreement.

She really did do enough, I thought.

That night when Chloe’s passionate performance had bought us time, I’d handed Mary a letter, asking her to deliver it to Cedric. My last resort, my final card to play. She hadn’t known what it contained; she’d only done what I asked.

That’s why she’s crying like that, I realized. She has no idea why I collapsed or how I was poisoned.

I felt a pang of guilt for not explaining it in advance, but I’d decided it was safer not to burden her with that knowledge.

Meanwhile, the dream felt uncomfortably vivid.

Usually you’d pinch your cheek to see if you’re dreaming, right?

Useless thought, given I couldn’t move a muscle.

“It’s okay. Didn’t the court magician say so? That Her Majesty would be fine, that she just needed rest.”

“Yes. Thanks to the Guardian of Verdure’s intervention, she’ll recover soon.”

“We’re lucky he had that antidote ready.”

“He said he made it for Her Highness the imperial concubine, didn’t he? It’s like the gods were watching over Her Majesty.”

Antidote.

They assumed Cedric had simply happened to have it on hand.

But it wasn’t chance at all.

This entire scenario was my plan with Cedric.

Everyone thought I was the prime suspect—no excuse would clear me completely. Even solid proof wouldn’t fully erase their doubts. I needed something undeniable.

So I’d decided to poison myself with the same toxin.

No one would believe the person poisoned by the same agent was also the culprit. It was the only way.

But to pull it off, I needed a master of poisons. That’s where Cedric came in.

At first, when I asked him to make the Rosaflo poison, he had flatly refused.

— No poison is truly without side effects, Your Majesty. Especially one that causes infertility. It feels like tempting divine punishment.

He’d said that in a low, troubled voice when he visited me late at night, letter in hand.

I’d had to persuade him over and over again.

— If no side-effect-free poison exists, then you can design one. Or just create a perfect antidote to match it.

— If I make even the slightest mistake, Your Majesty could—

— It’s fine, Cedric. I trust you.

Eventually, he gave in.

He crafted a special batch of Rosaflo poison, refined to match the symptoms exactly but stripped of lasting damage.

The night before the trial, he came again, handing me a vial with a grim warning.

— It will hurt. Perhaps so badly you’ll wish for death. Are you prepared?

I had simply smiled and nodded.

Pain doesn’t matter. As long as I clear my name, I’ll endure anything.

Cedric had tried one last time to stop me.

— Your Majesty, I really don’t think this is the way.

His face had been dark with worry.

— It’s all right.

I’d smiled at him to put him at ease.

— This is the best option we have.

And so I’d swallowed the poison.

Then, exactly as planned, I collapsed before everyone’s eyes at the trial, as if someone had truly poisoned me.

I really should thank him, I thought.

My mind wandered to the other matter I needed to check.

I wonder if he’s back yet…

Leonard. I’d asked him to find Roizen.

I remembered the news from the trial—she’d been found dead. I needed to see Leonard and hear the full story.

So many things to do once I woke up.

“We should probably step out now.”

“Yes, let Her Majesty rest.”

I heard the door shut softly.

Silence settled in the room.

My mind drifted, hovering between dreams and waking.

I had strange dreams, too. At one point I felt a chilly breeze, as though someone had opened a window, and there was a faint floral scent at my nose—so vivid it felt real.

Really, what a strange dream.

I heard something.

“…Your Majesty…”

A voice, low and hesitant, reached me.

“…I’m sorry…”

It was so quiet I could barely catch it.

Who is that?

I recognized the voice, somehow.

Why are you apologizing?

I struggled to open my eyes, to speak, but my eyelids remained shut no matter how hard I tried.

Then I heard a door open and close. Footsteps approached, paused near me, then retreated.

What a bizarre dream, I thought dimly.

My head began to ache again, and I drifted back into darkness.

I didn’t know how long had passed when I finally stirred. A warm pressure wrapped around my hand.

“…Mmm…”

My body felt heavy, the lingering aftereffects of the poison no doubt. Blinking slowly, I saw the dark night beyond the window.

“Ah… so thirsty…”

A cup appeared before me just then.

I accepted it, my voice raspy.

“Thank you…”

The cool water eased the dryness in my throat.

“Your Majesty.”

I paused.

That voice…

It was low, masculine. Definitely not one of my maids.

I turned my head, blinking in confusion.

“…Leonard?”

He was holding my hand tightly, his other hand offering me the cup.

He must have just returned.

I managed a weak smile.

“You’re back. I heard about Roizen. Thank you, truly. It must have been hard—”

“Your Majesty.”

His voice cut me off, rougher than usual.

“What you did was reckless.”

I blinked.

He sounded… angry.

“Why did you do it?” His eyes burned into mine. “Did you really think I wouldn’t be able to solve this without you resorting to such extremes?”

He knew. Without me saying a word, he knew I’d deliberately drunk the poison.

“It wasn’t like that,” I said quietly. “I believed in you. I knew only you could do what I asked.”

His hand tightened on mine.

I managed a small, gentle smile.

“But I also had to do what I could.”

Leonard fell silent, his gaze unreadable.

I wondered if he was in shock.

Of course he would be. I hadn’t told him about this plan.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I should have explained. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

He didn’t reply immediately.

When he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse.

“I came to see you as soon as I returned.”

His red lips barely moved.

“You were so pale… I thought you were dead.”

I had no words. I just stared at him, waiting.

His grip on my hand grew painfully tight.

“I’ve seen many die.”

His eyes were locked on mine, those deep blue irises darkening further.

“Companions on the battlefield, falling beside me… it never mattered. That’s what war is. But…”

He inhaled shakily.

“This was the first time.”

His gaze felt like it would swallow me whole.

Under the pale moonlight streaming in, he held my eyes with his.

“The first time I realized how terrifying it is to lose someone.”